My new plan has not been working, so I came up with a new one. I’m not sure this will work either, but I’m willing to try.
First, the change in title format, because I am not writing every day. It will now be “Post 410: ______” instead of “Day 410: ______” because that makes more sense.
I haven’t written much lately (obviously), and while some of that is simply a matter of timing (back to school is a bitch), much of it is the result of an internal struggle that has been there along, between wanting to explore my feelings in an open and honest way, and knowing that some day, someone is probably going to put the pieces together and use everything I write against me in a way that could possibly hurt my children. I’ve been honest about my very great desire to never be a source of pain for my children, and honest about the fact that perhaps I spend too much time worrying about that. In this case it feels particularly silly – who would possibly care enough about what I have to say to read it, forget using it to hurt me? Most of the people I know who worry about that kind of thing are self-obsessed egomaniacs (that might appear to be redundant at first glance, but think it over) who are at least borderline delusional about their own importance. The others are just smarter than I am.
Anyway, the result of this has been some pretty shitastic writing over the past year. Some of it has been fine, a few posts I would even say were pretty good, but the rest of it has been absolute crap. I’m not a super gifted writer, so that’s part of it, but some of it is this weird holding back thing that I do. I do it in other areas of my life too, often without knowing it’s happening or without understanding why.
It’s based in fear. I don’t like that. But it’s true.
So this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to keep on keeping on, or just keep swimming, or whatever. There are going to be many more terrible posts where I pull punches without knowing it, or come across as not being fully genuine because I’m holding back, but I’m going to keep trying, at my own pace and comfort level. That’s really all any of us can do. Admit we are not perfect. Admit we suck sometimes. And keep trying anyway.